Wasting Words on Lowercases and capitals

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:03:54 GMT

I haven't felt this low in a long time. Besides Jen, everyones making me feel like shit. And I just pretend i don't care...of course, because god forbid if I ever let on that i couldn't take it, who would everyone go to, to complain about their hypcritical problems. Like I have the secret to life just tucked away in my pocket. I struggle. I struggle hard and all I get is judgement. I'm tired of trying to prove myself to everyone, I thought i already did that but it's not good enough, Everyone puts me on some high fucking pedistal and everyone gets mad when I fuck up. Why am I not allowed to fuck up? The only reason im fucked up is because im suffocating under everyone in my life, once again besides jen. Im tired of proving myself, if I wanted to I could go to a huge named school in some prestige major, I am fucking smart, I know what im doing, but because I smoke weed, and because I have a sense of humor, Im just a dumb fuck up pothead. I dont want to sound big headed but I know that Im smarter than a lot of the people I hang out with, but they convince me im stupid because I smoke weed, and because im at five towns college and not NYU. I just wish someone would be proud of me just once.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:37:04 GMT

Get off the cross, you're not absolving anyones sins. get down off your soap box before my patience wears thin

Beathing in a New mentality.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:18:39 GMT

Livejournal tells me it's been 11 weeks since I updated. Well goddamn has a lot changed. I think I might actually hate everyone. Not the cliche goth or whatever I hate everyone I've never met. I just hate everyone...everyones bitching and moaning about lifes little problems like they've never had to live a real day in their lives. I don't care how you feel, if you don't have to guts to say something to me about it, then don't bother with it at all. Grow up, this isn't high school, don't post facebook status about me. Stop waiting for everyone to come and wipe the tears from your face and the shit from your ass. I don't care, I don't. Shut up. You feel betrayed because you're too much of a drama queen to admit this is all on your shoulders, not mine, not chloes, not dylans or D'Emics or your parents or my parents it's your own so shut the fuck up. I've done everything for you short of buying you you're own goddamn house. Fuck off. I'm done.
I don't think anyone realizes i have no sympathy left. I've dealt with my own horrors, my own depression, my own betrayals, breakups, deaths, sadness, everything down to the little numb feeling I get in my brain when i get angry. And for the first time in a long time, I've been been angry, and very angry. And let me tell you you don't know angry until you've blacked out from anger. And to some I may sound like the bitching little teenagers I've complained about from the start, but I don't care. I know long care what anyone things because I'm angry, I'm alone, and sick. I don't know with what, or how bad. But I am sick, and my bodies revolting against me and I've been non-stop bleeding for two weeks, so whoever Im talking to right now, this computer, this website, some stranger whose reading this, I dunno, but whoever it is, don't try to judge or say shit until youve walked a bloody mile in my leopard print skin tearing shoes.

Thu, 07 May 2009 04:50:17 GMT

I am the therapist. I am that spark of hope that all these teens turn to for some inspiration that they can't give themselves. I am what I can't give myself. I am hypocracy in it's most raw form.

Wed, 06 May 2009 00:56:48 GMT

I come here hoping with all kinds of emotions to spill onto the page but my mind is blank and Im just so numb. I don't have much to say im just broken. I feel like everything i did meant nothing.

Can't win your losing fight

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 02:17:39 GMT

Im frustrated. Angry. tired. exhausted. I wanna go home. I dont want anymore of this.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:56:01 GMT

It seems my mind always has something on it but when I sit down to work I don't have much to say. I'm pretty broken. I guess that's all I can think of. I guess thats all I really have to say. You've broken my heart. I don't know how you expect me to go back to the way things were. I dont know if I can do that. I don't believe you love me. Make me believe it.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 04:08:31 GMT

Fuck this shit. The reason I'm so sick is from stress. At least half of my stress is caused by most of the people in my life. Its not fair at all. I'm miserable because people can't be simple. It hurts so much and Im so tired and so anxious and I cant stand it. Its physicaly painful to cry. I cant stand this shit. I wanna sleep a full 8 hours without somebody txting me at a ridiculous hour with nothing to say. My girlfriends avoiding me of course because I guess Im such a terrible person. She cheated on me a second time. And shes just ignoring me like its my fault. Apparently everything is my fault nowadays. The only thing I seem to get from her anymore is physical pain that makes simple activites like standing up hard. Well i stand with my middle finger erect to the world and give a nice fuck you.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:24:58 GMT

I don't remember today. But I feel sick. I feel very sick. I feel the strong desire to puke, my head is pounding and movie seems to make things worse. Its so hot in here I can't stand it. School is the last place I wanna be.
You don't have time for me. You've been too busy kissing other girls to even give me the time of day. I've lost my trust in you. I just feel like I can't anymore. If you're so bored with me, if you'd rather just spend the rest of you're time with you're stupid fucking suitemate then go ahead, but at least stop dragging me along for the ride. I'm tired of staying awake at night waiting for you so you can ignore me.

Remember when Pluto was a Planet

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:16:56 GMT

I find people don't understand the proper use of the words they use. First of all, belief, id meant for something without proof of exsistance like god or magic or something. "I don't believe in John Stewart." Well I'm sorry to hear that because John Stewart is pretty real. Your distaste for something does not make it disappear.
I find the Human mind so intensely mysterious. It would take so long for me to put all of todays pontifications in one post. The one thing I can say is that nothing in nature is more hypocritical, more self contradicting than the human being.
Because of my crazy hobbies I've begun reading yet another book on serial killers and learned that when john Wayne Gacy was sentences to death thousands of people wrote to the person begging to be the one to lethaly inject him. While I understand that he killed many young people he is also a human being with a mental unbalance, simply he is a scociopath, his brain does not supply remorse or our sympathy the same way. They essentialy lack a moral conscience. I digress, these people want to kill a man, for killing. How can somebody feel so angry about murder and then want to commit it themselves.
While I sat in the back seat of a car I came to my own conclusion as to why human beings act this way. Noting is more important to a person than control. Everyone wants to be in control, it's why so many marriages fail and down the chain to the reason why people kill.
Man created god, an ultimate being with the power to kill and give life. I find that humans one true desire is to be that ultimate power. People rise to the top of corporations, stepping on good people on the way, and why, to taste the fruit of gods power. Sociopaths are not excused from this desire. If you talked to a murderer they'd probably tell you about watching the life leave their eyes or their breathe leaving their lungs, or at least that's what I've read in my so called studies.
To sum up the crazy workings of my brain; what drives a human? the desire to be god.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:14:51 GMT

I find it hard to believe that this is all there is to life. Were born we go to school we go to school and go to school again. We graduate, we move out we get a job. We do our job we grow old and then we die. I want my life to be a fantasy story. I was to validate my exsistance. i want something more...but this world cant offer the things I want. I guess I just need to accept that.

Worth of a penny

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:24:22 GMT

the concept of death scares me despite how much i talk about it. But for some reason I don't expect myself to live very long...or maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I just don't wanna grow old. I think I wanna die in a blaze of glory so to speak. I want to be remembered for what I did and I want to be remembered fondly. I think Im obsessed with that. the movies and stories ive watched and read have romanticized this idea of martyerdom or something and I suppose I want to emulate that. Maybe I just wanna live my life the way those characters did, not die that way. Maybe I just want the feeling of not knowing if it's my last moment on earth, the feeling that maybe someones life is in my hands, or even my own life. That I have to fight or die. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe this isn't the kind of world I belong in.

Maybe I'll just play dead for a while

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:31:37 GMT

despite finishing a long week of filming we still need more.I just wanna dissappear into my messy sheets. I feel lack of thought and I'm starting to think posting was just stupid cause I have nothing to say. I should have plenty to say after last night but I don't. I just don't even care at all. I did have a weird dream. I don't even know, like thousands of people gathered inside this massive building trying to get a plane to somewhere because I guess the area was doomed or something. My mom was put on a plane and me and my dad were trapped in this place as it started to fall apart and get overrun by creatures, i don't even know. It seems like all night I was trying to survive with my friends and father in a situation i dont understand. I remember being separated from everyone and finding a girl. N I guess some of time in the place lapsed cause we started developing feelings for eachother and we kept running and hiding but in the chaos of panic she was killed by other survivors. I Guess I lost it then cause I stepped out of hiding in plain view and I cant really remember anyting else. I remember hotwireing a green car and 3 other ppl left with me. and then I dont know. Weird stuff. I have no idea.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:32:31 GMT

Im commited to my misery like an arranged marriage. Although I think I've grown to love that dreary spouse of mine. Misery. It's just easier. Kinda like how it's easier to look at the floor than stare towards the sky. Maybe it's cause I'm out of my pills. Far away from the things i need an affection that doesn't come around here. I've become accustomed to a certain amount of affection n love from my friends n family last year, and it's dissappeared here. Its supid, but sorta hard for me o get used to being...just another face

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:19:13 GMT

The air is scolding hot like a frothing steam from a boiling pot. The AC runs with a ferver drowning out the sound of the tv. The tv drowns out the silence to keep my brain at bay. These past weeks have been a very recent misery for me. Real misery had stayed away from me for so long until March came strutting into my life. The month is choking me like an unseen pair of hands. It spends it's days wringing my skin like wet hair, drying out every fiber to leave me with a dusty husk of nothing but broken bones and scattered thoughts broken into a thousand tiny pieces. Ive lost count of the days without medicine. I know my fear of dying and leaving the few people in my life that I adore. But my bright blue veins stare at me between takes on set and I wonder how long I can cling to the hope that the semester ends soon, and that every stress that piled itself neatly on my neck will dissolve. The things I need most are the most far away. Its difficult. My lover is countless hours out of my reach while my best friend taunts me with her close, but slightly too far distance. The only male in my life whose not family who I trust is 2 hours north. My sanity lays sleeping in a glass tank waiting being indifferently fed and ignored. Every ounce of distress in me freezes when i hold the small delicate and simple animals. My mice are not gross. They are my friends, theyre my children. I care for them like my own blood and they trust me enough to come to my hand and my call, and eat straight from my finger tips.

i am tired. Physicaly. Emotionaly. Very emotionaly. This will drain me like a leach.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:13:02 GMT

So it's a week later. Everyones moved on, I've pretended to forget and so have my friends. But of course because I'm the luckiest person ever, Sunday, I was longboarding with Dylan and it was liberating as hell. I was at the rec center and I was gonna hippie jump the authorized access only chain, and I nailed it. So i decided to continue my bitchin jump and bomb the hill that followed. So my board started to death wobble and I was going way to fast so I bailed. But physics and momentum had a plan. The board was going way to fast for me to just run to saftey, so I got a few strides in before I ducked into a roll, hit my head and then tumbled down the pavement. The pain is unbearable and wearing clothes and showering is now complicated.My shoulders missing a chunk of skin, same as my hand. My back is now just road rash. My heads got a bump on it. Best thing, my knee is ruined.

Filthee

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:39:45 GMT

I back from class and I dont feel any different.Sometimes I felt like nothing ever happened. But then I saw someones face and it reminded me of him and I got nervous. This is so hard to process. My brains all over the place and I just want somebody to hug me and tell me itll be ok. i feel cold.

once upon a time

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:49:20 GMT

"Lying naked alone
On the bathroom floor
Evacuating pain... fear
no more
And I can't get his scent off of me"
Filthee-Otep.

Sometime between 12 and 1 a.m I was molested. He drank beer after beer and smoked so much weed, and then he topped the cake with a lot of shrooms. My body was not used to so much weed and alchohal. After blunt number two I went downstairs because I thought I was gonna throw up. The lights were off. I fell down the stairs and hit my head and pass out for some amount of time on the floor. A hulking figure came lumbering toward me and I knew who it was. At first I was greatful, he lifted me and brought me two feet forward to the bathroom where i Hugged the toilet waiting for the salvation of vomit that never came. I walked out of the bathroom but the convict felt that I need help. He grabbed me around the waste with both arms and held on tight. He head was in the crook of my neck and I could feel his breath, I'm certain he was smelling me. "You need to eat" He said.
"No, I just need to sit down" I replied trying to move away. But he clung tighter, his hands worked up my shirt and on my boob. "I just need to go home" I said louder but he just said angrily in my ear" No you don't understand you just need to eat baby."
"I just need to go home" I kept demanding but he wouldn't let me go. He held tighter and tighter and bruised my skin. I could feel him pressed against my back and his hands working in weird drunken ways. "You dont understand!" "You Don't understand!" He demanded
"I need to go home"I tried once more. Struggling in my state I couldn't get free and I just wanted jen or my mom to be there and make him go away. I can feel myself tearing up now. I don't know everywhere his hands went but I know what would have happened if Ashley didn't come downstairs.
She was ready to take me home but he wasn't ready to let me go. He clung tighter n said again "she just needs to eat"
But ashley insisted I already ate and it was time to go, she pulled me out of his arms and he moaned. "No! What the fuck!" A string of curses and reaching followed as we walked out the door. I didn't put on my sweatshirt in the 30 degree weather. My skin felt wet with sweat but I felt nothing there, I felt my blood draining from my face. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to die. I wanted to be home. I cant stop myself shaking now and I have chills. But i have to go to class in two minutes so i guess...i dunno.

Coming back around again

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:35:56 GMT

I'm surprised. new news of people who wanna fuck me, and I'm quit surprised n kinda intruiged about the people who it turns out to be.Where was the sex line in high school when i needed help getting over Karolina? grudge sex would've been so convneient.
On anothre, I got curious yesterda, it was weird and I don't know why, but I just started cuting myself for no reason. As mudanely as a person doing homework I dragged a curved edge against my skin and waited to watch it bleed. I miss when my life style caused injury. Something about getting hurt gave me a humbling feeling that very few things in the world can arouse. Well I have Alisa. She gives me that feeling. Jules never did. I look at a picture of her and it's just crazy that she would ever get involved in a failure like me. Im teetering on alchohalism i smoke so much weed my brain should be mush,n im in art school. She's in Geneseo on the college softball team majoring in psych and I'm, playing with lights in the middle of long island. She gorgeous, im awkward. Shes perfect, n im just on the path to failure. I love her I really do. I don't know how I'd move on if this ends.

I can't stop staring at us.

It's been a while

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:16:30 GMT

I've spent a long time away from ink and paper, away from the keyboard putting off emotions telling myself the meds took control, the meds saved my life. There's still longing for some unknown things. I used to think it was the people in my life, they hurt me, they aren't enough bla bla bla. It's me, it was always me it will always be me. The kind of reality I was given isn't the kinda reality I've always wished for. I guess I'm bored with who I am and who I'm turning out to be. I wanna take out my longboard but the rains a bitch (Im so articulate its crazy). Something in me is saying a cigarette will fix my problems, but didn't i quit? Whatever, I'm gonna go read fmylife to feel better bout myself.

We are broken.

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 00:13:23 GMT

It's funny how feelings change quickly, and how backward things become. One minute it's loathing, and the next its your every waking thought. Maybe I'm just a sucker for bullshit.
The repition goes round and round like a broken record, and I'm so goddamn sick of singing the same song. Im screaming behind a smile, although Im not even sure what Im feeling anymore. very bleak numbness....no I dont think thats it. just...never ending...inconsistancy. Heh, Im not even really sure when Im dreaming and when its real. But god, despite how real I think I am...I feel like Im always lieing about something.
Im confused...Im lost, Im alone, Im scared...im scared. Too afraid to live...but much more afraid to die. Looks like im stuck in some bizzar limbo, sighing lonely heaves in the spaces of my mind.
God...Jeff your face today, when I hugged Will...and turned too look at you...I felt my heart break. It's funny how my life puts up walls in the silliest of places. I cant help but like you, youre perfect...And when you smile at me, or look at me, I think my heart drops into my stomache. But your face...Did you think I'd moved on already...or maybe it had nothing to do with me, Christ everytime you walk away I think something in me sinks a little. Its gonna be so hard to be around you so often, and see you with other people, happy without me...and not feel jealous, or alone, or lustful. I know it isn't love cause...I just don't believe in love...But I have strong feelings for you...I think what hurts the most...is that its not that it didnt work out...you just dont have time for me. But Im glad your doing well with yourself. Youre gonna go somewhere boy...And Im gonna cry at every movie I see you in.

Die young and save Face

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 02:02:40 GMT

Bad moods are inspiring...or maybe the proper term is infuriating. Maybe indecisive. I wanna carve my name into walls, I wanna rock out to cheesey love songs, i wanna run down the streets naked. Words just keep racing like horses down a track. My mind feels like it's been drinking up a storm popping LCD, floating down the streets screaming senseless dribble. Its just me and Lucy, a match made in heaven hand in hand as we escape time. I see words and letters that come together like water and oil. Soundswaves echo through the room with somber emptiness, the soundwaves send my hair standing on end and fill me with a feeling of indifferent completeness. Like its their to save me…or hurt me, I can't tell the difference. Everyone looks like wolves in sheeps clothing to me, and I'm quite the Shepard. I feel nothing, and everything. I choke down the emotions my stomache keeps vomiting and force the chills back down my spine. Bracing for the burning cold and translating what my mind is putting forward. Emotions spill from all sides and leak down to every nerve ending. Making sense of the world is like looking for truth in the bible. It only comes clearer as brain cells dissipate with spirits. Fighting myself becomes monotonous task, so just give in to higher consciencness. Its easier to battle the tide that pulls you, then face the unbareable actuality, of the real world. Trying to put it all together is gonna tear me apart. "All the world is a stage" A bored man once said. But sadly all the men and women are merely poorly rehersed understudies. A script, A script, my kingdom for a Script. If only life were as easy as theatre, damn them for burning my script. "Do the world a favor," says a voice "Die young and…Save face."

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 03:09:10 GMT

A month seems like years. A month ago since Monday. I love you Grandma. I wish I told you that more. I wish you were around to hear it. The world seems so small without you. Nothing really seems right anymore. Its like a house without walls...nothing makes sense. You were amazing Grandma, nobody told me about your past. It just makes so proud to your grandaughter. God I'm writing this like a letter hoping for a response. Its amazing...watching somebody in a hospital bed, breathe, sleep, look completey alive...but...somehow not be. I walked into that room and stared with awe...feeling like Youd open your eyes and demand i come over to give you a hug and a kiss. Well hopes and dreams can only go so far. The hardest thing Ive ever done was sit in the room and look at you, not sure what to think. I wanted to be strong for you Grandma, I really did. I didn't cry at the hospital, everyone else was so upset i figured if I looked ok things would be ok. I always thought you'd be at my graduation, my wedding, i always thought youd be there. It just all seems so weird. I keep expected you to come whenever we meet up with grandpa. I dont get it...You and Ruthy were Grandpas world...And hes such a great man, why is everything being taken from him. And why Aunt Ruthy...they told us she had a year. Its just times like these I wish life was a fairy tale, and that you and Ruthy were watching from somewhere... Im so mixed up. i dont know where to turn to. I just wish I could talk to you again.